Tuesday, December 16, 2008

September 15, 2008

Hi all, sorry I haven't been funny lately, but things are tough here for a bit. I hope it doesn't last, but God doesn't give you joys without first teaching you the pains in life. Now I am not saying which God, that is personal, and if there isn't one for you, then replace God with life, maybe it will make it all easier for you when you hit a rough spot in your life.
And truthfully only one is directly in my family, I mean in my too big of a house for the two of us because my child prefers his grandmother's.... Ahem but anyway. My eldest dog Nibbles is STILL missing, and even though I visit animal control every weekend it gets harder and harder to admit he isn't coming back. And I see the beautiful scared dogs in the AC and wonder why their parent's never come for them, they all had a human family at least once in their life, where are they now for those beautiful and scared animals now? Did they move on already? Did they even miss them? Did they even look? I always feel like I didn't do enough, didn't love him enough, something. I joke with my husband that pits don't get a brain until they are 4, and look ours left. It is mean, it is meant to hurt, both him and me, because we didn't do enough. I'll probably always think that.
The rest? Well let's just say I hate country music, it makes me cry too much relating to too much of my life at times, like now. "I Still Miss You" has me bawling every time, thinking about so many things, my dog, my grandma, my cousin, many people. "Waitin' on a Woman" has me bawling too, because it isn't that way for my grandpa, she's waiting on him now, and he has been missing her for six years. I, Still, MISS, her, I can only imagine what he is feeling and thinks. Or my Great-Aunt, my uncle is waiting on her and has been for 4 years. This sucks, as I grow older (and yeah I know I am not that old) I see the older generation dieing, and I remember my parents going through this with their grandparents (I was lucky enough to know 2 of my great-grandparents) and I wish there is a way to stop it all, but then time would have to stop and I know it isn't possible, it just HURTS.
The last one, has me crying the most, I have been a mess all weekend and my husband just wants me to stop thinking and be happy, does anyone have that drug? I might consider taking it, as drinking doesn't work. See my Uncle Ed is dieing, from cancer. It came quick and is taking him even quicker, but from how things are described to me through phone lines and the she said, she said, (from my aunt to my mom, to me) it can't be fast enough, within three weeks it has taken his bladder, it has taken 3 of his vertebrae, and he is so drugged up he doesn't know what is going on. My aunt is a mess, and I can imagine my cousin is too, it is all happening over 2,000 miles away in Utah, and we aren't affluent enough for all of us to drop our jobs and go. I want to be there for support, not to watch a train wreck, but I am not even sure my father will make it in time for his brother to see him one last time or if he would even recognize him if he was there. I hurt for them, and my husband is hurting for me, but in a far less obvious way, he tries, but how do you stop crying for the ones you love? How do yo stop caring enough not to make a spectacle of yourself like I am here at work right now?
I don't know but somehow I doubt time is just it.

No comments:

Post a Comment