Evidently Relapses Happen

Please read the title ...

This sucks and it isn't helping my mood.

I had to go back to the doctors today, not to see if I was getting better, but to get help, my symptoms were worsening and were actually really bad last night.

Last night I don't think I got any sleep, with the coughing at almost any moment, and these are deep wracking painful coughs that didn't quit with just a few coughs, but long bouts of it.  I was scared to even take any deep breaths, the pressure I was feeling in my throat hurting and also knowing that if I took a deep breath, I would start coughing all over again.  It kind of makes me a little panic-y.

The wheezing doesn't help because it makes me cough without warning. Needless to say, wheezing makes you breath shallower and shallower each following breath and it doesn't lead to me doing too much of anything, in fact, it actually scares me into almost doing nothing, except the coughing without notice.

I don't understand why this isn't getting any better, I have been following the directions from my doctors from the beginning, since November.  I have finished each and every prescription I have been given to the letter, and yet, about a week and a half after each set of medications, the symptoms come back. 

This time the doctor told me my lungs were slowly collapsing, was she trying to scare me?  I think so, but the thing is, I am already scared because of how long this has been going on.

Being sick really does put a damper on my outlook on life and my emotions.  I don't want to say I am depressed, depression is a very serious thing, something that isn't to be joked about.  However, I can't say I feel like the usually chipper person I think I normally am.

I know that I can usually see the silver lining on almost every situation, but it is getting much harder to see the better about this illness.  What good and I supposed to see in continually getting ill with the same thing?

A few people have said, "oh but you lose weight when your sick."

Let me just say this now, I am not loosing any weight with this, in fact with all the steroids they have been giving me in pill and shot form, I have been gaining weight.  Moreover, since I can't exercise without coughing and the shortness of breath, I have lost almost all of the muscle definition I had been seeing from karate.  I don't like how my clothes fit, because they don't fit like they used to.  That drops my mood a few degrees too, this just sucks.

OK, sorry for this rant, but yeah not really; one because the title says rants in it and I am ranting; and two because for some weird reason, this has made me feel just a little better in the head.

Peace.